Here’s how to make a proper apology when sorry seems to be the hardest word
When it comes to three little words that are difficult to say, “I love you” is perhaps second only to one other phrase in the English language — “I’m sorry”.
A recent YouGov poll revealed that Brits apologise 50 per cent more frequently than Americans. Only the Japanese come close to being as sorry as the British. Some of us are blurting out the S-word more than 20 times a day. But when sorry means so many things, how do you make a proper apology? Author Christine Manby shares some insights:
The tone matters
Bill Clinton apologised to the United States for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. In an address from the White House on August 17, 1998, Clinton said: “Indeed I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong ... I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.” The words seemed right, but the tone in which Clinton delivered them led many Americans to believe he wasn’t sorry at all. He had to reiterate the message several times that summer, commenting on the whole ‘sorry’ process to convince people he was actually apologetic.
What makes a good apology?
According to a study by Roy Lewicki, a professor at the Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business, the perfect apology has six components.
The first is the all-important expression of regret, followed by an explanation, an acknowledgement of responsibility, a “declaration of repentance”, an offer to repair damage done and, finally, a direct request for forgiveness.
The hollow apology
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg seemed to take on board Lewicki’s research with his apology regarding the Cambridge Analytica scandal. In March, Zuckerberg took out full page ads in a number of British newspapers, to make his apology public. But was Zuckerberg’s apology all that it seemed? Commentators on social media called it “hollow”. Annabelle Lukin, Associate professor of linguistics at Sydney’s Macquarie University, went further and parsed those apologetic statements.
Writing for The Conversation, Lukin said: “Zuckerberg is using a lovely linguistic trick, a grammatical option called ‘middle voice’ which you shouldn’t fall for. In the grammar of middle voice, an event is construed as if it happens under its own steam.”
Add a touch of humour and humility
An apology delivered with humility and humour often works, as proved by Hugh Grant. After Grant was arrested on Sunset Boulevard in 1995, in the company of a prostitute, it seemed his career as Britain’s favourite bumbling romantic hero was all but over. His relationship with fellow actor Liz Hurley certainly had to be. However, Grant clawed it all back with a textbook-perfect sorry.
When Jay Leno asked Grant about why he’d risked throwing it all away, Grant responded: “Well, it’s not easy. People keep giving me tons of ideas on this one... You know, I was under pressure, or I was overtired, stuff like that... I was lonely, I fell down the stairs as a child, or whatever. But I think that would be rubbish, really, to hide behind something like that. I think you know in life, pretty much, what’s a good thing to do and what’s a bad thing. I did a bad thing, and there you have it.” It worked. Hurley stuck by Grant for another five years. They’re still friends and he’s godfather to her son.
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