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After being married for two
decades, I've noticed a couple of things about arguing with my
husband.Probably the most surprising thing is the complete lack of
variety . We basically have four arguments that we recycle over and over
again, with no resolution in sight.One of them is about how to make
stew. We both have the script, and, for reasons we can't explain, we
feel the need to give it a go every now and then. The other
fascinating thing is that it's not the outrageously offensive words that
send us out of our minds and escalate our discussions into full-blown
battles. It's six seemingly innocent words that can take a regular old
argument and send it into another dimension of time and hate. I call
them: The fighting words.
Nothing. Seriously. Whatever.Nevermind. Fine. Chill. You know them.You hate them. But you use them. And you get them used on you. Forget gender stereotypes; women don't have the monopoly on `nothing' and men don't have the rights to `chill out'.
1 NOTHING
Of all the words, I call this one the `gateway' fighting word. Once `noth ing' comes out, it unleashes the others. A `nothing' is always in response to `What's wrong?' And that's the problem right there... you don't know what's wrong. Clearly , the fight is already brewing. You know it. They know it. You're both just waiting for the other to actually ask the question. And everyone, including you, knows that `nothing' universally means something. But what it really means is this: `You know that I know that you know damn well what's the matter.' At this point, you're trapped. If you don't know what's the matter, well, you are an insensitive idiot. If you do know what's the matter, chances are you caused it.Good luck with that.
2 SERIOUSLY?
When used as a question with a des perately irritated tone, `seriously?' can make even the calmest of partners freak the hell out. You see, they were being serious. What you are actually saying is this: `You can't possibly mean the thing you just said because it was so stupid andor thoughtless that only a jackass would say it to me.' But, that's a mouthful.So, instead, a wide-eyed `seriously?' will escalate the argument quite nicely . Well done. But be prepared for a `chill out' or maybe even a `whatever'. You totally have it coming.
3 WHATEVER
Ah, `whatever'. It's definitely a crowd favourite. This word has the ability to cut right through the already frayed nerves of your partner and quickly unravel years of pent-up hostility .This is because it's an annoying word used to marginalise the feelings of your partner, while simultaneously showing them your complete disregard for reaching a resolution. You'd like to imagine you are above using a `whatever', but you're not. It's too effective. And if you think a this word will end the argument, think again. I've never met a person strong enough to walk away from a `whatever'. If you throw one out or get one thrown at you, be prepared.
4 NEVERMIND
At first glance, you might confuse `nevermind' with `nothing'. This is a rookie mistake. This word is a hybrid of `nothing' and `whatever', making it one of the most powerful and dangerous fighting words. Where `nothing' makes you guess what's the matter, `nevermind' doesn't fool around. It boldly says: `Yeah, something is wrong all right, but I can't even be bothered to explain it to you because you are not bright enough to comprehend it, so, I am exiting the conversation'. Oh, it's good.Little-known fact: `Nevermind' can be as effective when you are right as when you are wrong.
5 FINE
`Fine' shares the same dismissive properties as `whatever', but it is much more manipulative. It's actually a mock capitulation. You are doing what is most crafty and most impressive in an argument. You are letting them have the last say on the topic without saying you agree. You are effectively saying: `You're not right, but at this point I can't stand the sound of your voice, so we are done here'. Good stuff.And what it lacks in escalating the argument, it makes up for in years of simmering resentment.
Helpful tip: A `fine' in response to a `fine' is one of the only known ways to end an unresolvable argument, and still have time to grab dinner.
6 CHILL. (MORE SPECIFICALLY, `CHILL OUT')
`Don't tell me to chill out' should probably be on my tombstone. It's my No 1 trigger word. To tell someone who's upset about anything, and I don't care what it is, to `chill out' is to take your life in your hands. Nothing -not `whatever', not `nevermind', not `seriously', not even `nothing' -can send your partner into a complete freak-out like telling him or her to chill out. The only two appropriate responses to `chill out' are `Don't tell me what to do' andor `Bite me'. Both responses are well-deserved, and the partner who uttered the `chill out' should 1) have known this was where it would end and 2) probably should start looking for an apartment.
Nothing. Seriously. Whatever.Nevermind. Fine. Chill. You know them.You hate them. But you use them. And you get them used on you. Forget gender stereotypes; women don't have the monopoly on `nothing' and men don't have the rights to `chill out'.
1 NOTHING
Of all the words, I call this one the `gateway' fighting word. Once `noth ing' comes out, it unleashes the others. A `nothing' is always in response to `What's wrong?' And that's the problem right there... you don't know what's wrong. Clearly , the fight is already brewing. You know it. They know it. You're both just waiting for the other to actually ask the question. And everyone, including you, knows that `nothing' universally means something. But what it really means is this: `You know that I know that you know damn well what's the matter.' At this point, you're trapped. If you don't know what's the matter, well, you are an insensitive idiot. If you do know what's the matter, chances are you caused it.Good luck with that.
2 SERIOUSLY?
When used as a question with a des perately irritated tone, `seriously?' can make even the calmest of partners freak the hell out. You see, they were being serious. What you are actually saying is this: `You can't possibly mean the thing you just said because it was so stupid andor thoughtless that only a jackass would say it to me.' But, that's a mouthful.So, instead, a wide-eyed `seriously?' will escalate the argument quite nicely . Well done. But be prepared for a `chill out' or maybe even a `whatever'. You totally have it coming.
3 WHATEVER
Ah, `whatever'. It's definitely a crowd favourite. This word has the ability to cut right through the already frayed nerves of your partner and quickly unravel years of pent-up hostility .This is because it's an annoying word used to marginalise the feelings of your partner, while simultaneously showing them your complete disregard for reaching a resolution. You'd like to imagine you are above using a `whatever', but you're not. It's too effective. And if you think a this word will end the argument, think again. I've never met a person strong enough to walk away from a `whatever'. If you throw one out or get one thrown at you, be prepared.
4 NEVERMIND
At first glance, you might confuse `nevermind' with `nothing'. This is a rookie mistake. This word is a hybrid of `nothing' and `whatever', making it one of the most powerful and dangerous fighting words. Where `nothing' makes you guess what's the matter, `nevermind' doesn't fool around. It boldly says: `Yeah, something is wrong all right, but I can't even be bothered to explain it to you because you are not bright enough to comprehend it, so, I am exiting the conversation'. Oh, it's good.Little-known fact: `Nevermind' can be as effective when you are right as when you are wrong.
5 FINE
`Fine' shares the same dismissive properties as `whatever', but it is much more manipulative. It's actually a mock capitulation. You are doing what is most crafty and most impressive in an argument. You are letting them have the last say on the topic without saying you agree. You are effectively saying: `You're not right, but at this point I can't stand the sound of your voice, so we are done here'. Good stuff.And what it lacks in escalating the argument, it makes up for in years of simmering resentment.
Helpful tip: A `fine' in response to a `fine' is one of the only known ways to end an unresolvable argument, and still have time to grab dinner.
6 CHILL. (MORE SPECIFICALLY, `CHILL OUT')
`Don't tell me to chill out' should probably be on my tombstone. It's my No 1 trigger word. To tell someone who's upset about anything, and I don't care what it is, to `chill out' is to take your life in your hands. Nothing -not `whatever', not `nevermind', not `seriously', not even `nothing' -can send your partner into a complete freak-out like telling him or her to chill out. The only two appropriate responses to `chill out' are `Don't tell me what to do' andor `Bite me'. Both responses are well-deserved, and the partner who uttered the `chill out' should 1) have known this was where it would end and 2) probably should start looking for an apartment.
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