Keep it cool, when the child is highly sensitive

Keep it cool, when the child is highly sensitive

Deepika was reading a book animatedly to her two-year-old daughter Maya, and realised that when any character in the book got hurt, upset or even said, “Ouch,” Maya would sob inconsolably, and would be equally distressed if she saw another child crying. She found that loud sounds, (a pressure cooker whistle, traffic, noisy birthday parties) overwhelmed her daughter. Even being touched, cuddled or carried by non-primary caregivers could result in howling and any form of punishment or scolding could completely crush her. If she didn’t take Maya away to a more soothing environment, the frazzled child would have a meltdown. Maya is part of an astonishingly large group (20%) of children called Highly Sensitive Child (HSC), who have extremely sensitive nervous systems. Strong smells can make them feel sick, so can bright lights, too much touch and large crowds. Labels on clothes or seams or socks can irritate their skin. Their brains process information more thoroughly, so they tend to take in more about their environment, (smells, sounds and hence potential dangers) making them innately cautious with a pause-to-check gene. In her path-breaking book, The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them, psychologist Elaine N. Aron, an HSC herself, helps you identify if your child is an HSC with an online questionnaire (www.hsperson.com/pages/test_child.htm). According to Aron, being an HSC is a wiring of the brain and is genetic. Not to be confused with introversion or shyness, you can have extroverted HSCs, but they also need plenty of downtime and a calm environment to retreat into. Interestingly, studies conducted on animals and insects, show that in all species (from fruit flies and deer to fish and dogs) there are two types of personalities. A majority are ‘foragers,’ who go right ahead and get what they want, but a smaller percent of them are HSCs, with the same pause-to-check gene. Studies conducted on HSC monkeys, also called “reactive” monkeys, showed that with a calm mother, reactive baby monkeys grew up to be resilient, happy adults. As babies, HSCs tend to be more colicky, cry more (they are easily overwhelmed by the sensory overload), they feel things intensely, hate to be put into new situations (even climbing on a slide in a new playground). HSCs tend to notice even subtle things about people and homes (if someone is looking sad, or a chair has been moved) and reflect deeply on everything. As a result, they often ask their parents/trusted teachers lots of questions. Because of their ability to see things others don’t, and feel things very deeply, many HSCs go on to make brilliant filmmakers, writers, artists and pursue creative fields. Their deep sensitivity towards others makes them compassionate doctors, environmentalists and social activists. In a world that largely promotes cookie-cutter behaviour, where sensitivity can be seen as a drawback, raising an HSC can be a challenge. However, Deepika, who has spent a lot of time analysing and understanding her child, says it’s futile to try and change or push HSCs. It’s far more important to give them the tools to cope with the world they live in by nudging them gently to try new things, teaching them to express themselves clearly and preparing them thoroughly for any new situation. “Because HSCs are so sensitive, they quickly pick up that they are different,” she says. If not handled correctly, their self-esteem can plummet. “They need to know they are loved unconditionally, are never pushed into situations they don’t want to be in, or forced to participate,” she adds. According to all sensitivity experts like Dr Ted Zeff and Elaine Aron, whether you are a family member, teacher or neighbour to an HSC, the key to enable them to thrive is by genuinely viewing this child as exceptional and not socially embarrassing. Instead, tailor the environment as much as possible to the child’s needs, this will build their self-esteem and make them emotionally resilient. It is a misnomer that HSCs are weak. In fact, if treated compassionately, they are better able to cope in situations where even non-HSCs flail. So take a page out of the calm mama monkey’s book and keep things as non-chaotic as possible. Above all, just love your HSC completely, utterly and intensely for what they are. Nothing will give them more inner peace or equip them better to face a gratingly harsh world.