‘Do I?’ before ‘I do’ They may be in love but couples need to take into account other factors before deciding to spend their lives with each other, and they are willing to take professional help for it,

‘Do I?’ before ‘I do’

They may be in love but couples need to take into account other factors before deciding to spend their lives with each other, and they are willing to take professional help for it,

It was after having dated for three years that Delhi couple Ayushman Ghosh and Preeti Goradia decided to seek professional intervention. At 27, Ghosh was on the verge of a successful career in advertising, while 25-year-old Preeti too was doing reasonably well as a interior decorator. Happy as they were together, and deeply in love, there was hesitancy in taking that next step — marriage. “I had no doubts that I loved him but certain habits of his totally ticked me off. He’s extremely moody and impulsive — he wouldn’t think twice before getting away from the city for a vacation at the drop of a hat, for example, while I need to plan everything down to the T,” says Preeti. She adds, “He’s a great guy, and kind and loving. But something like him being non-vegetarian was always going to bother me.” Interestingly, family opposition wasn’t really a problem for the Bong-Gujju duo. The parents, in fact, had been wondering when their children would finally take the plunge after months of being together. The duo itself, however, wasn’t sure. “We never fought as much as we did in the last six months of our relationship. Somehow, the M word had crept in our minds and started stressing us out. That’s when I started looking for a counsellor,” says Ayushman. Six months of couple therapy later — during which time Ayushman and Preeti tried to figure if they were fit to spend their lives with each other — the two realised that it would be best to part ways. “We realised over four months, and roughly 12 sessions, that we were temperamentally very different people. Left on our own, we would have probably never realised that neither of us were at fault, and kept fighting. Counselling, on the other hand, helped us understand that we were not cut out for each other.” Now, a year and a half later the two are still friends, but while Preeti’s dating somebody else, Ayushman is happy enjoying the freedom that comes with being single. What makes a marriage work? Love? Trust? Understanding? Sometimes a couple shares all of the things that might seem ideal for a long-lasting and successful married life, but chances are it might still not work out. Urban couples in love are making sure they take the right step when it comes to marriage — a realisation that they may not be cut out for each other before marriage and dealing with the subsequent heartbreak would be better than choosing to live their life with someone and regretting later, they realise — and are taking the help of pre marital counselling to help them make their minds. Rochelle Suri, a marriage and family therapist who has been helping couples sort out their issues before they tie the knot for over a decade now, says that cultural difference is, interestingly, the most important factor among Indian couples wanting to settle down together. “Discussions on ethnicity, religion, food, and how they would like to bring up their children, form a major part of the sessions. Today’s couples aren’t worried so much about family opposition as they are about their individual take on the way they want to lead their lives,” says Suri. Other discussions during counselling, says Suri, revolve around money, children and careers. “The most remarkable change lately has been among the women — they are career-oriented, want to be financially independent and are willing to put off marriage till later,” says Suri. The idea of pre marital counselling is not so much about solving the issues that might exist among couples, but more to do with finding out if the couple would be compatible in the long run. Clinical psychologist Narendra Kinger says the concept of premarital counselling was introduced by the Church in their endeavour to reduce the number of divorces. “It’s not unusual for Christian couples to undergo pre marital counselling. But most other Indian communities stay away from counselling, not just because they frown upon it but also they aren’t fully aware of its advantages,” says Kinger, adding that while it’s slowly becoming a regular occurrence in major cities of India to seek expert help, the concept is alien to most people in small town and cities. “The idea is to iron out the little differences that might snowball into bigger problems after marriage,” he says. It’s in no way a deterrent though. Nine out of 10 couples that come to Suri, for example, are sure they want to get married, and go ahead too. The idea is to get themselves ready for the changes that come with marriage. “Clarity on who would have to make the sacrifice and stay home to take care of the children, whenever they come along, helps.” The odd couple that may decide to part ways after counselling usually experiences relief, says Suri. Ayushman agrees on the ‘relief’ bit. “Neither Preeti nor me wanted to break up with the other; we had convinced ourselves that we were meant to be together in spite of our differences. It needed a third person to make us realise that neither of us really wanted to get married to each other.”