When to tell your child they are adopted
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This Adoption Awareness Week, we tell you how to break the news to your kid
“I am a mother not by
birth, but by heart,“ says Krupa Roshna, a mother of a seven-year-old,
whom she brought home when he was just three months old.“It is necessary
to tell your child that heshe is adopted. The child falls in an awkward
situation when heshe gets to know this from someone else. Hence, it is
most important how and when you choose to tell your child that heshe is
adopted,“ says Padma Rewari, a child counsellor. Although adoption is
one of the noble ways to enjoy parenthood, it involves certain nuances.
And one of the most important things that have to be kept in mind is
-how to tell your child that heshe is adopted? Follow these tips to make
sure the disclosure is harmless and goes down naturally.
WHAT'S YOUR STORY?
You don't have to follow anything that is taught or propagated. Trust your instincts and narrate a story closest to your heart about how your child came into your life. It could take inspiration from mythology or could be how you visualised it. But make sure the child is clear that although he is not a biological child, he is closest to your heart.“Hence, you came to me through my heart and not my womb,“ says Roshna.
TAKE TIME TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR CHILD
Do not try to make this a hasty procedure. Sit your child down and explain everything. Choose a day when the child is happy and is in a right frame of mind to understand the situation. In fact, make sure no one except you and your spouse are present to make this disclosure, as the child must feel that this is in complete confidentiality . This will ensure heshe does not feel insecure.
ANSWER ALL THEIR QUESTIONS
Your child is bound to ask you a lot of questions; be ready to answer each one of them. The questions can range from `why did you bring me?' to `where was I before this?' Make sure you clear all their doubts they have about the disclosure. Do not leave anything unsaid, as t this could lead to complications.
MAKE THEM FEEL PROUD
It is very important to understand what the child feels after you have told himher the truth about himher. Assure you are proud of himher and are, in fact, grateful you got them home.
DISCLOSE AS PER AGE
The ideal age to tell your child hat heshe is not your biological offspring is between five and seven years of age. The sooner you tell your child, the better it is. “Children in this age group have a developing brain that is curious as well as understanding. Their level of acceptance is far better than grown-ups, which makes it eas er for them to accept the fact,“ says Rewari.
Most common reactions that need to be tackled
It is always better to tell a child when heshe is younger, as the acceptance is better. However, if you still haven't told your child about it, especially after heshe has crossed 10, be prepared to tackle these immediate reactions:
REVOLT
Teenagers usually start revolting to everything you tell them.In fact, the child starts feeling that you have been stopping himher for everything, since the time you told himher. The best way to tackle this revolt is to leave them by themselves. It is only patience and love that will make them calm down and come back to you.
PULL BACK
Most children pull themselves into a shell as they tend to feel unfriendly after this confrontation. They might also experience low self esteem, as they might feel that you have adopted them out of sympathy and not love. Make sure they are never left alone and are treated with respect. Talk to them and make an effort to indulge in productive conversations.
FEEL UNWANTED
This is the most common feeling as older children tend to understand the difference between a biological child and an adopted one much better.They start comparing themselves with their peers.However, the best way to make them feel better is to involve them in regular activities so that they do not feel left out.
Things to remember
Adopt through proper agencies: Make sure you adopt a child from an authorised and government -approved adoption agency.A complete list of these agencies are provided on the site of CARA.
Get your paperwork right: Keep all the documents ready and attested that are required for the legal adoption procedure. Make sure you have taken the necessary permissions for the procedure. Keep at least three copies of these documents ready for immediate use.
Prepare your family: Make sure everyone approves the idea so the child does not feel insecure.
Don't take a hasty decision: “A child is not a commodity; you can't return himher after some time if you think you are not able to justify your role as a parent,“ says Pinghare.
Be practical: Do not prejudice the child based on looks and behaviour. Get your child medically examined to know about any health concerns that heshe faces. CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority ) This is official website of the Women and Child Development Ministry of India that lays out all the details about adoption. You can learn all the adoption procedures and view a comprehensive list of the authorised agencies that help in adoption. You can also register online, check availability of children as well as track the status of your registration on this site.
You don't have to follow anything that is taught or propagated. Trust your instincts and narrate a story closest to your heart about how your child came into your life. It could take inspiration from mythology or could be how you visualised it. But make sure the child is clear that although he is not a biological child, he is closest to your heart.“Hence, you came to me through my heart and not my womb,“ says Roshna.
TAKE TIME TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR CHILD
Do not try to make this a hasty procedure. Sit your child down and explain everything. Choose a day when the child is happy and is in a right frame of mind to understand the situation. In fact, make sure no one except you and your spouse are present to make this disclosure, as the child must feel that this is in complete confidentiality . This will ensure heshe does not feel insecure.
ANSWER ALL THEIR QUESTIONS
Your child is bound to ask you a lot of questions; be ready to answer each one of them. The questions can range from `why did you bring me?' to `where was I before this?' Make sure you clear all their doubts they have about the disclosure. Do not leave anything unsaid, as t this could lead to complications.
MAKE THEM FEEL PROUD
It is very important to understand what the child feels after you have told himher the truth about himher. Assure you are proud of himher and are, in fact, grateful you got them home.
DISCLOSE AS PER AGE
The ideal age to tell your child hat heshe is not your biological offspring is between five and seven years of age. The sooner you tell your child, the better it is. “Children in this age group have a developing brain that is curious as well as understanding. Their level of acceptance is far better than grown-ups, which makes it eas er for them to accept the fact,“ says Rewari.
Most common reactions that need to be tackled
It is always better to tell a child when heshe is younger, as the acceptance is better. However, if you still haven't told your child about it, especially after heshe has crossed 10, be prepared to tackle these immediate reactions:
REVOLT
Teenagers usually start revolting to everything you tell them.In fact, the child starts feeling that you have been stopping himher for everything, since the time you told himher. The best way to tackle this revolt is to leave them by themselves. It is only patience and love that will make them calm down and come back to you.
PULL BACK
Most children pull themselves into a shell as they tend to feel unfriendly after this confrontation. They might also experience low self esteem, as they might feel that you have adopted them out of sympathy and not love. Make sure they are never left alone and are treated with respect. Talk to them and make an effort to indulge in productive conversations.
FEEL UNWANTED
This is the most common feeling as older children tend to understand the difference between a biological child and an adopted one much better.They start comparing themselves with their peers.However, the best way to make them feel better is to involve them in regular activities so that they do not feel left out.
Things to remember
Adopt through proper agencies: Make sure you adopt a child from an authorised and government -approved adoption agency.A complete list of these agencies are provided on the site of CARA.
Get your paperwork right: Keep all the documents ready and attested that are required for the legal adoption procedure. Make sure you have taken the necessary permissions for the procedure. Keep at least three copies of these documents ready for immediate use.
Prepare your family: Make sure everyone approves the idea so the child does not feel insecure.
Don't take a hasty decision: “A child is not a commodity; you can't return himher after some time if you think you are not able to justify your role as a parent,“ says Pinghare.
Be practical: Do not prejudice the child based on looks and behaviour. Get your child medically examined to know about any health concerns that heshe faces. CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority ) This is official website of the Women and Child Development Ministry of India that lays out all the details about adoption. You can learn all the adoption procedures and view a comprehensive list of the authorised agencies that help in adoption. You can also register online, check availability of children as well as track the status of your registration on this site.
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